Outlandish disorder

The idea of this post is not to bitch about life or generate sympathy by self pitying. These are random thoughts to vent out something which I have no clue about. I am going through some very strange syndrome; don’t know what it’s called coz it never happened before. It’s strange and definitely not fun. I am not myself anymore. Last I remembered, I was right on the top of life, couldn’t have complained about anything not going my way. When everything seemed so perfect, just right then something swept me under my feet. I guess I have a reasonable idea about this ‘something’ but no clue on what followed it. Funny part is that being swept is not new to me. Life has tried that many times before too, but this time looks like life fellow got it right. So here I am, down and out in myself.

Everything that can go wrong, have gone (Murphy must be pretty happy to see that his law works, I bet it does). You name it, I got it. “Identity crisis”, “Directionless life”, “Comparison Blues”, “Crushed spirit” and “Evaporated confidence”. I am still doing fine enough to not generate even a minor blip on external radars about my state of mind, I guess of late I have become damn good at it. What has got hit is definitely something in me.

Living life with lost confidence is something that I am not used to. Its painful coz it makes you forget everything which you were so proud about and good at. It makes you realize what all you have lost and how miserable you are. Your flaws and limitations seem larger than life and you hate yourself for whatever you are. You lose sleep and start operating in a pre programmed manner. I guess right somewhere there I am. I thought giving time to myself will make a difference but this seems to be one of those things that get worse with time. Just when you think it can’t get worse, something happens.

I guess one good thing in this syndrome is that I am getting to know myself and knowing your limitations is not bad if you have never admitted those. At the end of the day I am not a perfect person and when I come out of this syndrome I will just want to be what I am. Until then I am lost, will not let system get me down but got no energy to fight back either. Gonna try everything other than giving up :-)